


Why Did It Have To Be This Way? (AKA Magnus and Alec are Hurting)

by AJenno



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Episode: s02e18 Awake Arise Or Be Forever Fallen, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt Magnus Bane, I'm still in pain, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, No One Kill Me For This, POV Magnus Bane, POV Third Person, Post episode 18, Riley Pearce Brave Song, that episode killed me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 02:08:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11681799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AJenno/pseuds/AJenno
Summary: If anyone knows Alexander Lightwood, it's Magnus Bane. And sometimes, even when things should work out, fate has other plans in mind. These are some of the thoughts that run through Magnus' mind...





	Why Did It Have To Be This Way? (AKA Magnus and Alec are Hurting)

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah no one kill me for the story below. It had to be done. More notes at the end! Also, this story (Besides being inspired by the episode and the Malec moments) was heavily inspired by the song Brave, by Riley Pearce. Here are the lyrics:
> 
> You're scared 'cause I am too  
> This feeling in my head, is being there for too long  
> We sleep now with the light on  
> But shadows make shapes in the light  
> And I don't know what they might be  
> You called me, because I answered  
> So cover your toes with the jacket  
> And the bones with the blanket  
> She tells me that I will be alright  
> And for a second it feels that I believe her  
> 'Cause I forget the way that I've felt
> 
> [Chorus]  
> I'm trying, I'm just trying to be Brave  
> I'm just trying to be Brave  
> (Oh-oh-oh-oh)  
> I'm just trying to be Brave  
> (Oh-oh-oh-oh)  
> I'm just trying to be Brave
> 
> [Verse 2]  
> There's somebody who heard it that splits us right down to the middle  
> But I'd be coming back for you  
> But lost, 'cause I answered  
> Directions mean nothing in the dark  
> And I don't know where you stand  
> The maps are gone, so are our footprints too  
> To get home now will take something that I'm not sure that I have left
> 
> Enjoy! (And uh, don't kill me!)

Magnus Bane had never felt so alone in his entirely long life. He had lived for centuries and known many people. He had loved and lost so many of those he cared for. He had suffered the kind of heartbreak no soul should ever have to. But he had endured and he had continued living. One could have said it was because he had no choice. He was immortal after all. But even immortality could be extinguished if the desire ever arose. And Magnus had desired death once or twice in his life. He was powerful and he was strong. But there were times that even his strength and his power were not enough to quell the real demons, the ones buried beneath his skin, sizzling through his bloodstream. Sometimes life was too much even for him and he wanted to end it all. Had he not been through enough? Had he not lost enough loved ones, had his heart broken enough to realize he would never recover all the shattered pieces? When was enough truly enough?

And maybe Magnus had been reaching towards those terrifying thoughts again. Perhaps the daily reflection of his life had began to become a sour one once more. But then, as if someone out there, fate maybe, had heard him, life had brought him Alexander. Alexander Gideon Lightwood was the kind of man Magnus would never, not even once, imagined would become the true love of his life. The Shadowhunter who had lived so far in the closet, he had a suite in Narnia. The Lightwood who had more layers than an onion. Alexander, his Alec, the one who had given Magnus every single piece of his heart back.

Their love was one for the books. The kind of love that could be associated with the best kind of fairy tale. Obviously it was not all rainbows and sunshine either. They had their downs that came along with all the ups. But the positive overpowered the negative every single time. They had taken trips around the world, with one memorable one in Tokyo especially. They had laughter together, made memories, and they had love. More than anything, Alec had made Magnus realize that life was worth every day he lived again. Magnus wanted to stay in the bubble they had created together. They let others in when they needed to, helped out those they cared for. And even though Alec was a Shadowhunter and Magnus a Warlock, a Downworlder, their relationship was everything they needed and more. Because they loved each other and love made everything beautiful and right. So what they had worked for them, until it no longer did...

Magnus Bane was not a naive man, not after centuries of living. He knew issues would come up, especially with the way the Clave operated, and how invested his Alec was with said Clave, with the Institute. But Magnus never imagined a situation such as this. He could not have fathomed riding down an elevator, having said four of the most powerful words in the world, "I love you too", to his Alexander, and still having walked away afterwards. But life had dealt Alexander and he these cards, and Magnus had to play the right hand. Except this time he was not walking away with his heart shattered. Things were different now, because Magnus knew, without any irrevocable doubt, that there was a hole where his heart had been. Because now? Now, his entire heart had stayed with Alexander Gideon Lightwood, the true love of his life. And all Magnus had to hold on now was the Omamori Alec had given him. It would have to be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Who else is dead after episode 18 of Season 2 of Shadowhunters? Pretty much all of us. Here's the thing though. Even with how much I died after the episode, I loved the whole episode. All the storylines in the episode were amazing. And the Malec flashbacks? Incredible. Even with how it ended, I know Malec is going to work out. But I'm an aspiring writer. And sometimes episodes cause me to write some angst. So, um, sorry? It had to be done. Please leave me kudos and comments if you wish and here's to looking forward to what happens in the last two episodes! (I'm also over on Twitter at: [@Ajenno](http://twitter.com/ajenno) if you want to find me) Much <3 to all!


End file.
